“Remember, you’ve been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” —Louise L. Hay
What if Louise Hay got it right? Speaking from experience I have spent decades begin hard on myself or what I perceived to be myself. The levels that my brain will go to, to let me know that I am less than the goo on the bottom of the ocean amazes me. Historically, I wake up in the middle of the night ruminating over things that happened long ago and are far beyond my control. Historically in any given moment my thoughts would sabotage my progress and interrupt my ability to be successful. The learning of my early life taught me that everything I do is questionable, possibly untrue, and will definitely cause harm in those that are closest to me. These beliefs seem to me to be the most violent act toward the self that there is.
Let’s dissect this. What is self, who is myself? Dr. That art suggests that self is “several mechanisms (interacting parts) working in tandem: molecular, neural, psychological, and social.” In Social Work, Kolonko and Jelinek (2022) state that “self is how you perceive yourself as a whole. It’s how your unique identity sets you apart from others.”
Philosopher and author Robert Kahn might blow your mind, or it may be boring, let’s take a look (paraphrased by a non-philosopher - me):
The self is not real it is an illusion.
The self is subjective relating to phenomenology and has felt experiences that create the whole but the self is a function of the brain.
Emergence - the self emergence is either weak or strong. Weak includes brain mechanisms at the tiniest level OR strong emergence is effected by brain activities, but those alone cannot explain what the self is.
The self is part of existential unity and is incapable of a separate existence, therefore self and everything else are bound through deep coherence.
The self is a product of special assembly it is new in nature and creates consciousness in its physical world.
The self is non-physical local consciousness which is independent of the world, body, and brain and is non-physical in nature.
The self is non-physical creator designed to include a soul or spirit, this is in interminable dispute.
The self is part of a non-physical cosmic consciousness. This is considered the ultimate reality and the progenitor of physical existence.
So, what is the self? I leave you to pick on your own. For me it is all of these and none of these because myself is observing all of this and therefore it is outside of and beyond these constructs. If Louise Hay got it right and my self flagellation and self hate has been targeted at concepts this whole time, what if none of those concepts are me. What is me - is in fact this observer part that notices all of my senses and experiences? What if self is far beyond the things that have been assigned to me in my socially constructed identity?
If all that is possible, and just maybe it is, what if I stopped all of the judgement about what is socially constructed me? What if I focused on the observer and the noticing of senses and experiences in a gentle, loving, compassionate way? From my last year, I can tell you, this radical acceptance of my senses and experiences has lead to more healing than any self harm ever did.
Steps toward reducing violence toward the self and moving toward self acceptance:
Greet every response with gentleness. Be patient and kind with the self, notice what it is asking for.
Find ways to have moments of peace. Whether it is mindfulness, meditation, prayer, silence, or a lot of people, find your peace.
Notice self talk and words that you allow others to use with you. Begin to slowly change the words.
Rest. You must rest, rest again, and rest more. Changing your brain is not easy. You should also drink a lot of water.
Move your body. The physical bag of water that contains the self needs long walks on the beach, so move it.
Find people who have earned the right toy our stories and tell them. Dont’ give yourself to people who haven’t earned it.
Be human……well, that’s a whole additional blog, but for now try to let yourself be vulnerable and present.
Let me know how this goes for you! I would love the feedback, again, with kindness, we’re all growing here.
More love, not less,
Tiffany
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