I've been talking with a lot of folks about how dissciation shows up in their lives. Before I even tell you about it, let me point you to Dr. Jamie Marich https://jamiemarich.com/ she is a genius and a gift to the world. She has a prolific social media base and is the angel we all need to know if we have trauma.

Dissociation may be the thing that you worry about regarding your mental health or the thing you are afraid to see in other people. Maybe you've never heard of it. But, if you follow my blog, you know about dissociation, probably intimately.
What is dissociation?
"The American Psychiatric Association describes dissociation as: a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis or “getting lost” in a book or movie, all of which involve “losing touch” with awareness of one’s immediate surroundings.
During a traumatic experience such as an accident, disaster or crime victimization, dissociation can help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In situations like these, a person may dissociate the memory of the place, circumstances or feelings about the overwhelming event, mentally escaping from the fear, pain and horror. This may make it difficult to later remember the details of the experience, as reported by many disaster and accident survivors."
For me dissociation includes lost time, getting out of the car at home and not remebering all the things I saw while driving, it's also a huge component of my childhood. My childhood was full of dissociative behavior, not being present, being confused about who I was and what was happening, not having anyone believe thingsI said, and being in trouble all of the time. Dissociation followed me into a multi decade long alcoholic and drug assisted existence. The substances did the exact same thing for me that the brain function of dissociation did in my early years. That little girl on the right of the photo below is me...as things began to unfold in the wrong direction. I already knew then how to make a smile for pictures. Side note, that's my little brother on the left, who I love and adore so very much.

Thank GOD, that I had a substance related solution to the difficulty of my memories and experiences. Thank GOD my brain did not let me know some of the things that happened until I was prepared to deal authentically and in sobriety. Back to dissociation...
I lived a very long time in an escapist dissociative state. A state where there was no pain, no awareness, no presence, and no ability to make decisions in a healthy way. This lead to landing myself in situations that reflected all of the abuses that I experienced in early childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. I couldn't figure out how not to hate myself for these decisions, situations, and outcomes. Living in my dissociation meant that I did not attend to myself and what was right for me. For people who knew my insides, they stopped being able to be around me and for people who like to check out the way I liked to check out they kept feeding me booze. When I wasn't drunk I was completely dissociative and have few memories of useful periods of time.

What I know about my own dissociation:
It saved my life because I could stop engaging with my life at any time and segregate my experiences from my reality, body, mind, spirit.
It caused me to re-enact traumatic events without any thoughts or awareness that I was choosing that path.
It saved my life when the emotional pain got so extreme that suicide felt like a reasonable solution. Because I could go away from myself.
It caused me to say I don't know or I can't remember all the time.
It got me into a lot of trouble in school. I couldn't focus, pay attention or remeber things....I was often sent to the principles office humming or self soothing in others ways.
It allowed(s) me to check out in situations where other people's emotions run high.
It caused me to set aside boundaries, integrity and often dignity.
I am sure that there are more consequences that exist, that I didn't mention here. But, let me also say that this awaress has changed my life and I am grateful for my dissociation. I did not die when my feelings got huge and my brain thought I should flip the switch. I used substances to get the same outcome...in sobriety I have been able to heal the parts of myself that were harmed by others and by myself. My life today looks like one of aceptance of who ever I am today, in this moment. I love knowing that I get to support my little self, my teenage self, young adult and now adult self with graciousness and love.

My dissociation is much less frequent and I surround myself with people who are safe enough to know my story, so when I do dissociate they can help me. I think that allowing others to connect to me when I am lost and check out - by telling me that it feels like I'm distant or out of it - helps me see myself and helps me get back to the present. I enjoy being right here right now, now. I have never had that before.
In gratitude,
Tiffany
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